I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
You Might Also Like
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.