“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
welp
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning