How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes