Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.