My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I love art.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch