I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m an avid indoorsman.
never compromise your values
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Animal poetry
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS