It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.