When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Risking my life for fun.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*