At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.