Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.