To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Fries, not lies.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake