[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!