All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.