*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Who did it better?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.