It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.