I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
You Might Also Like
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“you changed” bro i was 15
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead