High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.