ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Somebody call the cops.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me