Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank