Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.