Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive