officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
bro what is going on at twitter
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.