Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You Might Also Like
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.