Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!