Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?