Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The A string on my guit_r is flat
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.