bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job