Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You Might Also Like
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.