I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.