Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.