gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Cat.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house