18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
need a new bf mines broken 😐
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.