Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Blew out my flip flop…
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.