Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
You can’t rush stupid.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.