Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
May never get over this
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Love it! 👍😂
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.