My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP