WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.