wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening