everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.