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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.