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u spoke cat all this time??????
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”