BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.