[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Mountain Goat : )
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.