I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
🛁
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.