“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills