Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
You Might Also Like
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.