him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When you can’t find your friend Neil