She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
much to think about
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic