I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My dress code is business-casualty.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.