Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear